The Feminine Mistake
*This is the forward to the Feminine Mistake a book I am writing.
The Feminine Mistake
One afternoon as I was driving to pick up my daughter from school I was listening to an interview with a self-proclaimed sex worker, or whatever they are calling them these days. As I listened to this woman, a single mother who gave up her day job to pursue this “new career,” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This woman described her new venture discussing how much she made and how she was helping marriages, how benevolent of her. What in God’s name was I listening to? The more I listened, the more enraged I became. I wasn’t mad at this woman, but the culture that would produce such thinking. How did we get here? Granted I do not understand the difficulties of single mothers, but good Lord! When did selling your body and calling it success become a thing? Keep in mind, I am a history professor with a background in women’s history, so I am well aware of some of the feminist literature that is out there. I can tell you that, unfortunately, many women during times of distress have done this. Take for example women following the Civil War. Six hundred thousand men had been killed and women didn’t work outside the home. Yes, some of them didn’t feel they had a choice but to do what they had to do to feed their family. But to celebrate it, this is truly a first in our history, and not a good one. It is the celebratory nature that is so shocking. So, in a moment of frustration, I thought of the book that had rocked my world as a young college student at the University of Washington, The Feminine Mystique. I said to myself, someone should write a book as a counter argument to feminism. It was only after a trip to Dallas and an impromptu meeting with a book publisher, that I began to realize, I was that someone.
To be completely transparent, for a period, I too considered myself a feminist and could passionately recite all the key talking points. But something has happened over the last decade. Essentially, it was the overt hatred of men that I just couldn’t get behind. I have been abundantly blessed to have some of the greatest men in my world. From my great grandfather, grandfather, dad, and husband, I have had a rock star group of men surrounding me that most women could only dream of. I was also raising a son who, quite frankly, is growing into another amazing man. So how could I join the screeching hordes of feminist chanting for the end of patriarchy? How in the world did I fall for these ideas? While at UW I read everything from Simone de Bouvier, Gloria Steinem, and of course the women who spearheaded the third wave feminist movement, Betty Friedan. And as much as it makes me cringe now, Lord help me, I was captivated by their ideas.
How did a young twenty something woman from a conservative background get duped by these ideas? For years I had been a student athlete who excelled in almost every area of my life. In addition, I am an intellectual. Now I know that sounds funny, but how many people do you know that go to bed thinking about the American Revolution or the lack of application of the Constitution? I have had full conversations with Thomas Jefferson in my dreams. Needless to say, I can’t sit still much. My mind is constantly going and I require an outlet. After taking some time off from school to have my son, I went back to school to study history. Okay truth be told, I went back to potentially pursuing law and ended up in education. So, when I picked up Freidan’s book, I felt every word she had written. In her book she addresses women who have this empty feeling which she described as the “problem that has no name.” I wasn’t just a wife and a mom but so much more. However, there was also a slightly derogatory way in which she talked about homemakers. Like it was dangerous. But I was torn, stuck in this tension of wanting to be the best mom I could be but simultaneously feeling like that wasn’t enough.
Because I fell for many of the feminist talking points it caused strife in my marriage. I am firmly convinced that you cannot hold feminist ideals and have a successful marriage and family. One will ultimately eat the other. I saw life through a lens that said that I was being held back, oppressed. Culture told me that my role as a mom was a waste of my time, insignificant and not enough. But nothing could be further from the truth. Over the course of the last sixty years or so, American women have bought into what can be categorized a feminist ideology. While most young women believe that this means more opportunities and access to education in a greater capacity, let me tell you that this is not what feminism is proposing. They propose something far more radical and for many women, unfortunately, it is too late by the time they realize their mistake.
Feminism's message was clear, women should be out pursuing careers not taking care of children and creating a home. So, on one hand I loved being a mom. And on the other I needed an outlet for my creative energy. For several years, going to college provided that outlet. Ask my family, if I could be a professional student I would be. But I couldn’t square some of these ideas with the love for the men in my life. The truth was that I wanted to be a wife and mom.
This book is not a means to condemn women that have already made mistakes in their life, it is a cautionary plea and hopefully a road map back to reality. Please know that I am heartbroken for women. My desire is to simply offer a few thoughts on how this has all gone wrong and attempt to help rectify it. It is my hope that you, the reader, might find help and an opportunity to start again. You are all beautiful and wonderful in your own way and deserve the life that feminism robbed you of.